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Ask a Tramp

Ask a Tramp

The wisdom of Ask a Tramp is a free service available to all curious tramps pondering the world. No question is too long, short, young, old or stupid. Submit your queries right here!

Ask a Tramp Answers:

1. Guests at training - Can you believe that Saskia had the AUDACITY to show up at OUR training session without asking permission first??!! God you'd swear she was a paying member or something...
Despite the half captain's complaints, the club needs SOMEONE to make you barrel of munters look attractive. You should be paying HER to come to training. And have you seen that bum in those new shorts? She's a necessary ASSet to UCD Trampoline Club. And, you know, she's alumni... unlike certain head coaches.

2. Best. Webmaster. Ever. - Ok the new site is amazing.. BUT let's not forget that we had the wonderful Tom "The GingeCringe" O'Boyle grace our site as master for a year. So who was better really?
Vinnie. Obviously. The only webmaster to date who promised us a wonderful App!! Sure we might not have gotten it. But he is still the only webmaster to promise it...

3. Colours - What are AaT's big plans for Colours?
Oh are we calling each other by fun initials now? Awesome! I'm gonna call you CuNt. Coz you're a Candid unused Nicotine tissue!

4. Issues - Is ask-a-tramp upset when nobody gives it any attention?
You are trying to pick a fight with a faceless entity that you can only communicate with via a computer and YOU accuse ME of having issues? Find yourself some hand cream and tissues.

5. No captain, no head coach? - What're ask-a-tramps's mystic ball predictions for next year's committee?
Let me consult my mystic balls..... ooh smooth

6. ISTO - What're our chances of getting UCD engraved on the shield again this year? Honestly?
I would say it is incredibly high odds of getting UCD engraved on the shield. Just coz we absolutely wont win it doesn't mean we can't engrave it *cough* Clara *cough*

7. Undercompeting - What member of the club is most likely to score someone way less attractive then themselves just because they'll do?
The one and only...Fionuala 'ifthey'resingleitsnotasfunpleasepleasepleasesleepwithmeimgaggingforit' Nolan (bonus if the brother can watch)

8. A good start to the day - What is Ask-A-Tramp's favorite breakfast?
The tears of my enemies

9. All over store shelves - Is it true that Paul was one of the pampers babies, and that we've all probably seen his bum a million times on the shelves in tesco?
Ask a Tramp is not at liberty to answer this question as there is still some legal cases being tied up that may or may not relate to having pictures of Pauls bum on file. Once all that hullabaloo dies down it will definitely come to light that it is indeed Paul's bum, but it was not taken when he was a baby, it was actually taken at the BBQ last year. It's been told that he moisturises regularly, making him the jealousy of all the babies in the land, also changing the phrase to 'smooth as a Paul's bottom'

10. Smelly dick - Who in the club does ask-a-tramp this is riddled?
You with your muscular teeth and clockwise vagina

11. Wedding bells - If someone in the club were to get married (or maybe even civil partnered), how messy does Ask-a-tramp think the reception would be? Predictions for misbehavior?
If it were to go like classy events of the past... it would begin with too much free wine, vomiting in the starter and being thrown out of diceys. Good times

12. Back in the good old days - What was/is ask-a-tramp's favorite skill on a trampoline?
Ask a Tramps favourite move is sitting behind the judges table, whispering bitchy comments and laughing at everyone exercising. It doesn't matter that ask a tramp isn't a judge, ask a tramp don't need no qualification to bring the judging terror to y'all over achieving, leotard wearing, vomit inducing, untalented bunch of cum guzzling demon sluts

1. Mince pies are a no-go - What does ask-a-tramp think about fatso breaking the rig?
Ask.a.tramp has realised that between fucking up his knee, knocking his own tooth out, breaking the rig and almost killing himself everytime he is on a trampoline, perhaps trampolining is not the sport for our dear Cian. Then again, ask.a.tramp does like a bit of heavy entertainment every now and again!
Perhaps Cian can try a sport more suited to his abilities. Like not leaving the house and scaring people with potential A&E trips.

2. Pregnant???? - So I heard Rachael was pregnant?! Not only that but it is with twins!! Not ONLY that but she already has a kid that she hides from everyone
You've heard the truth. It turns out being excessively broody and emotional makes birth control ineffective (yes, THEY SHOULD PUT THAT ON THE BOX!). And the child that she hides from everyone...also true. He's actually four years old, and was raised by the Trampoline Club until he turned two. Then shit went down when Rachael wanted to dress her little boy as a princess... Tramps have different ideas on child rearing, it appears, even though their methods of procreation all agree (get drunk and naked). The child has since been taken by social services (UCD sports centre use him as their mascot), due to a complaint from the child since he wants to be a real boy, and not wear a dress. Two more children for the club to raise now! (Oh, apparently they do put that on the box... They should put it in HUGE LETTERS)

3. Ask-a-tramp smells ho-ho-homeless - How was Christmas, ya dingbat?
Ask a Tramps Christmas was spent trying to research what the hell the word "Dingbat" means. And what sort of utter loser would use it.
As it happens the definition of the word is: A word that holds no meaning but used solely by people who have low intelligence and/ or social life

4. Hmm - If members of the club had trampoline skills named after them, what would they be?
Ah nothing like a metaphorical question to start my day. It of course merits a metaphorical answer.
I think most of our members can have any move with a ton of twists as that is how their vision is on a night out and how their stomachs are the morning after.

5. Lol - Is it true that Jordan once wrote all the lyrics to Ghetto Gospal on a page and submitted it to the Texeco Art Competition?
First of all, it's Texaco you illiterate degenerate and yes, Ask-A-Tramps sources have researched a bit on our own chocolate prince to find that it was in fact he, (and not Twopack or Elton James) that wrote that song. Unfortunately, the judges were a crowd of racists and claimed it was 'inappropriate' and 'not art' and 'disqualified' It was coincidently also the very first Texaco Art Competition, back in 1684, doesn't he age well.... My sources also claim he re-released the song recently, on his latest album. Ask-A-Tramp cannot wish him well, since Ask-A-Tramp would rather shit in mine own hands and clap, than to see you people succeed, but maybe Ask-A-Tramp might like to think his life won't be as shit as usual..."
Original artwork: http://goo.gl/6AqMFk
Latest album: http://goo.gl/Xf9t3K
Latest album

1. HOHOHO - What does Ask a Tramp want from Santa this year?
A crotchless chestless, chapless, sequined leotard that blasts Britney Spears music at all times (including a movement sensor so when you walk by it exclaims loudly "It's Britney BITCH"). One for Jordan. And Paul. And Sean. And Robin. And James (both of them). And Colm. Basically anyone that's not Glasgow.

2. Procrastination - How long has Ask-a-tramp spent playing that invisible cow game?
Long enough to find the goat! Awh yeah!

3. Guess what ;) - Is ask a tramp taking a poo right now? Cause guess what :P I am!
Ask a Tramp thinks you are a vile human being and should immediately cease contact.

4. Bro-mance - The club has two amazing bromances: Dwayne and Colm (Dwolm), and Dwayne and Plum (D-um). If we leave those out of the competition (because it just wouldn't be fair!), which two members are most bromantic?
You're really sick of studying aren't you? Ask.A.Tramp thinks that you should probably go study, and if you're awful questions are anything to go by...I can't even begin to imagine how awful you're exams are about to go. Don't do a Flaps on it and end up torturing me for 5 years when you were only supposed to be here for 3!
Besides, we all know that the ONLY true bromance in the club is that of Rosie and Lucy. Or Roocy, as they prefer to be known when they're alone together.

5. Wrap up - Is there any burning gossip from Varsities that Ask-a-Tramp is sad wasn't mentioned in last week's questions?
I can't even remember what you asked me last week... But Daaaaayum! Did you see the president get humped more than the hunch back of Notre Dame? It was mesmerizing!

6. The Whole Package - Who does Ask-a-tramp think looks best in a leo?
Ask.A.Tramp doesn't think anything. Ask.A.Tramp KNOWS that Luke looks best in a leo, and that is why he doesn't compete anymore; the female judges were too busy trying to get his attention, and the male judges too busy turning gay to judge his routine. Which actually worked out great for Luke, as he consistently got 10.0, but UCC bitched so much about it he can't 'undercompete' at elite anymore. Not in a leo anyway.

7. CSI:UCD - If the club were to vote on 1 member to group up and murder, who would it be and why?
Why only one? Why not round up 24 of your most annoying members and place them in an abandoned sports hall with nothing but vaseline, pot noodles, one trampoline and no alcohol, and let them sort it out themselves?

8. On Target - I hear James Duncan fancies Ask-a-Tramp.
BGJ can be relentless when he has his eyes set on someone, what's the easiest way to let someone down gently?

Ask.A.Tramp believes that people should never be let down gently, they should take it on the chin with a spoon of cement and some brussel sprouts and harden the fuck up....it's character building.

9. Scotland - to follow on from my previous question when i asked about the screening programme for scotland, and was told that we will have to right a budget with how many drinks we are going to buy for committee, does that mean that all of committee will actually by at an event this year for once........ also rumor has it we have two captains, but me and the rest of the freshers thought jordan was the only captain?
While Ask.A.Tramp is aware that the committee are in dire need of funds, Ask.A.Tramp is not on committee, nor does Ask.A.Tramp give a flying fuck who you buy drinks for. Ask.A.Tramp can only suggest that you lie and pretend you will buy them drinks, and when you get to Scotland, drink them all yourself.....maybe you'll be lucky enough that the committee will be so pissed off, that they won't wake you up on the morning of the competition as "punishment", which of course would mean a fantastic sleep in for you. And of course all the committee won't be at SSTO. They're trying really hard to be the worst committee ever, and are doing a pretty fantastic job at it!

10. ISTO media challenge - How has Glasgow been allowed to remain in the club after that video?
Glasgow is herpes

11. ISTO - I thought isto was supposed to be in Dublin?
Well wasn't that a lovely thought. Thank you for sharing that with Ask.A.Tramp. You were wrong.

12. ISTO - I heard that Glasgow was the commISTO member put in charge of finding a location. Is it actually possible that Glasgow has gone one worse and gone from being the worst captain ever to being the worst commISTO member EVER??
Ask.A.Tramp is aware of the Captain-CommISTO trend, and yes, your question is valid and holds much truth. Like Tom, Glasgow went from being the Worst Captain Ever, to being in charge of something that no one really cares about.

1. Schandel - Someone told me they seen pictures of Mairin and Jordan "together". I didn't bother looking, because I knew Ask-a-Tramp would be there for me. Did it happen?
Ask a Tramp was indeed lurking in the shadows and witnessed the whole sordid affair since you messes were all far too drunk to take any notice. Jordan claims it was all PG 13 which leads Ask a Tramp to question what movies he was exposed to as a child....

2. The sub-competition - Who was the biggest mess at Varsities?
From passing out in 2 different bathrooms to being so pale he actually turned white, it could be none other than our own 'sex'etary Rihanna-Obama-Jordan! Props has to be given to falling off the trampoline in a routine and still scoring mid-sevens!

3. Domestic Dream - If Ask-a-Tramp could pick two people from the club to be its parents, who would they be and why?
Ryan - he's got a proper job, ya know. Eimear - dem cupcakes.

4. All the sex - What would ask a tramp's reaction be if somebody told her to "finger me micky"
But probably something along the lines of never again, Cian!

5. Scotland Screening - Is it true that people have to pass through a rigorous screening process in order to be allowed to go to Scotland this year cause there's so few places?
Yes. Each member wishing to go must write a 2,000 word essay (references are not included in the word count, obvs) about why they are important enough to go, including a discussion on why the committee is fantastic. Also, each member must prepare a budget of how much they are going to spend (and how many drinks they are going to buy for everyone on committee), and present it to the Junior and Senior Treasurers. Please submit your essays to ucdtramp@gmail.com. There will also be a modelling competition the week the deposits are due, because only sexy people are allowed compete for the club. And proof of your pioneerism, because winners don't drink alcohol. Those who successfully pass through each of these stages will then have a face-to-face interview with TEAM RAVE (Rach & Maeve) who will ultimately decide who gets a place or not. (Rumour has it that Team Rave are open to bribery so you best all get on that now!)

6. Who's taller? - Rachel or a lego man?
Fear the wrath of the majestic short-arse, dear Fresher. You spelled her name wrong. Lego man is going to give her a leg up so she can slap you. Not that she ever needs help putting someone in their place. Except when she can't reach them. Which is all of the time.

7. HEY - Is this thing fixed?
It's not my fault you're so obsessed with me

8. Needy - Who is ask a tramp? And why are they so attention seeking?
Are you sure your persistent questioning isn't an indication of YOUR neediness and attention seeking attitudes? Cause you're being needy and need to stop looking for ask.a.tramp's attention.

9. Awkward Questions - If you could adopt a tramp who would you choose?
Since ask.a.tramp doesn't care for anything other than spilling gossip, ask.a.tramp would adopt any of the oldies

1. - Why is Glasgow still allowed in the club?
Because he is club herpes; for life, not just for college. <3

2. - Predictions for Varsities?
Rosie and Lucy will win elite syncro, as usual
Glasgow will get 20 moves, as usual
Glasses will dress like a man, as usual
Plum will stay sober for the weekend, as usual
No one will vomit mid/after a routine, as usual
The butter dance will be performed, as usual
Ryan will sit quietly in the corner prepping his routine, as usual
L'eamo won't steal anything, as usual
Flaps will be an example of a high functioning human being, as usual.

I predict, nothing

3. - Is it true that Lucy and Vinnie are getting married? I heard that they have been secretly getting together and he has given her a rice cooker as a momento of his undying love for her.
Yes. And not only has he given her a rice cooker, he has given her yellow fever. Tru' luv, da'.

4. - Who's your favourite tramp couple (either actually seeing each other or not)??
Ryan and Glasgow. They live together, but 'don't share a room'. Pssssssssssssssssh

5. - Who do you think should definitely hook up???
You and your left hand. Because who elses standards are low enough to do you.

6. - We always ask you questions, why don't you ask us some for a change :)
Here's a question, when are you going to grow up and realise nobody cares what you think?

7. - Why do some people call that one guy in the club Obama? I have heard a few people call him that... Is it just because he is kinda black? Cause thats kind of...racist.
I believe you are talking about Rhianna, who's alter-ego is Obama. We call him that because that's who he is. He's also our slave and tastes like chocolate.

1. Tramp Night - What even happened on tramp night because I sure as hell can't remember! GIMME THE GOSS! Some birdy told me that Vinnie scored...but who???
Hmm...I'm sure it was a chung wan of some sort! And the goss obvz includes our newest...eh actual tramp.

2. ISTO 2014 - So can UCD (reigning champs) actually manage to put together an entry for a social media comp this year? WE MIGHT WIN SOMETHING!!!!!!! Like lets face it, we're so cool we'd crush the other clubs and it could be fun...
Ugh. Ask.A.Tramp doesn't care glasgow. Do it yourself.

3. Bang Bang Roise - Well Rosie's officially off the market, but as this song says who's gunna bang for rosie now that rosie is away???

Rosie's been off the market for a solid 8 years or something now, so clearly Jack is going to bang for Rosie. You perv.

4. STD'S circulating the club - After the first fresher I enjoyed a night over at another tramps house. Fun was had, drinks were had, muffins were eaten. All was good until...... I arrived to home to my apartment bursting for a piss. Sprinting for the toilet my intitial joy of relief was suddenly consumed by abject pain as it felt like a lit firelighter down my dick. After a quick trip to the reliable UCD doctor I found I have contracted a severe STI. So in short be afraid when the carpet matches the curtains. Who am I? ;)
Sigh, no one cares.

5. Levels of Drunkenness - I know sober and i have heard the legendary status that is "being dwayned", but what are the levels of drunkeness in between these??
You don't want to 'be dwayned'. Livers are important. So is money. Mashed is where you want to be. Let's leave it at that.

6. Sass - who is sassier - ask-a-tramp, jordan or rihanna(the singer)???
How can you even ask that question, clearly I am Queen of the Sass! Dat basic bitch Jordan beta watch out or I'ma cut him. As for Rihanna, pfft that girl better check herself before she recks dat ass.
Rumors have also reached me of a supposedly sassy blond webmaster. To that I say like webmasters even have a personality, never mind a sassy one

7. 6th Sense - What's Ask-a-tramp's favourite smell?

1. Rachael and Maeve - How long will it be until Rachael and Maeve kill each other? Incidentally who will win in a fight?
They've already killed each other. It was a real Harry Vs Voldemort Battle of Hogwarts moment. Except both of them died. And replaced themselves cause Horcruxes or sumthin. Ask a Tramp doesnt like to read so I watched the films instead.

2. Please? - Can I marry Paul?
Excuse me!... There's a queue and it starts over there

3. Ego stroking - Now that Glasgow is not captain and can't get his ego stroked by that, how many freshers will it take for his head to inflate back to his captain days????
It would seem that there is already a certain fresher who has taken it upon themselves to inflate his 'head'. But for an ego that knows no bounds, Ask.a.tramp feels that this number may be infinite.

4. College - Mid-terms are shit. How does Ask a Tramp deal with them?
Ask a Tramp dropped out of college years ago to pursue a career in giving useless advice to wasters like you who procrastinate instead of studying.

5. Sensei - If you had to pick ONE tramp to act as an example to the freshers, who would it be and why?
Rosie. Because she is the perfect mix of a mess, fond of the ride, getting through college, has liver problems and is actually pretty damn decent on the trampoline. And she's a bit of a hottie when she wants to be. Except for all of the times when she is none of the above. Which is always...

6. DisasterTramp - If there was one person in the club who should be called #DisasterTramp who would it be and why??
It would be you. Because you are in University and hashtags are not acceptable.

7. 2 Captains - Is the reason there's 2 captains this year because Maeve needs to make up for the lack of rachael (she's a midget) that there is??
The REAL reason is that there are two captains this year, is that one alone simply could not match the elevated ego that is necessary to oversee the running of the club. Just ask Glasgow.

8. Ouchies :( - What happens if I fall?
You wont hurt yourself. No one hurts themselves on a trampoline. Just ask BJ.In reality though you learn to pick yourself back up.... and go and gayly quote movies.

9. Leading by example - How come Maeve and Rachael weren't drinking properly on freshers night? Surely they should be leading by example and getting absolutely fucked? Or are they hiding something that they're afraid might come out if they got too drunk...
Because none of you shitty members would buy them a drink! Shame on YOU!

10. Us - Why don't you love me?
We'll start at the beginning... Your personality, your dress sense, your face, your sporting skill, your degree, your family history, your drinking ability but most of all...you're a MESS and such a woeful dancer cannot possibly charm ask.a.tramp into any kind of 'love shack'.

1. Why - Why is this always promised, but never delivered on? :(
Because shit people like you never ASK. Ask a Tramp is always on hand and ready to answer questions but until the idiots in this club get their shit together and learn to read and write, your questions, and Ask a Tramp's oh so witty answers will be left to float about in draftland. You only have yourselves to blame....

2. Wow - Paul appears to be the most active webmaster we've ever seen, which leads me to ask the question....is he a real human or what is he made of and where is he from???
On recent investigations into Paul, we have discovered he's made of a new futuristic material called Catalaysed Operational and Transformable Titanium Obfuscated Nanotech, or COTTON for short.It's easiest to identify the COTTON when you look carefully into his eyes.
Ask a Tramp does not know where he is from but I do know his creator referred to him by the name of Jisms Of Ebon, or JOE for short. I often find myself thinking about our Paul and asking myself
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from

3. So horny - Will I get the ride tonight?
With a slut drop like that? Definitely not

4. The truth - How sassy is Jordan really?
If there was a competition between Rihanna and Jordan to be Rihanna, Jordan would win.

5. I'm cold - When will we get our onesies??? Winter is coming...
Ask a Tramp feels that this may be one PROmise that may be fraying edges. Or it may be drunk. Ask a Tramp isn't sure. Actually, Ask a Tramp is sure... drunk. Ask a Tramp suggests going to you nearest penneys and picking up one now before all the nice ones are gone.Not that you'll look good in it anyway. Slut.

6. Foot fetish - I swear to god, all tramps have a foot fetish! "Point your toes" is cried out soo much. What is the weirdest fetish (other than feet) that ask a tramp has discovered about a fellow tramp?
If "point your toes" is called out to you "soo much", you're shit at trampolining and need a new sport. And fetish? We're not ones to judge, but maybe have a word with Necro.

7. Who - Who's the most sad webmaster?!
The saddest webmaster is definately a one Vincent 'slanty eyes' Grace... All you have to do is look at his puffy eyes to tell

8. Bonus round - The awkward moment when someone takes ask a tramp seriously...
Okay so im heading into sixth year now and ill be making college decisions soon. I have done mens artistic gymnastics for years and coach now but recently we got 2 Olympic trampolines in our club and ive started to train for trampolining. Just wondering how newcomers to your college are dealt with, like is there different skills tests to see what level we are at or do ye start up with the beginners stuff..im a level 9 gymnast so ive been working my skills onto the trampoline.